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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28441959">Floodgates</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZestyLemon123/pseuds/ZestyLemon123'>ZestyLemon123</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Last Hours Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Bisexual Male Character, Coming Out, Crying, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Parabatai, Parabatai Bond, Parabatai Feels, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 21:23:05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,064</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28441959</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZestyLemon123/pseuds/ZestyLemon123</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
      <p>*Trigger Warning* Self Harm</p>
    </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Matthew Fairchild &amp; James Herondale, Matthew Fairchild/James Herondale</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>39</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Floodgates</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>*Trigger Warning* Self Harm</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Days Past: 1901</p><p>James Herondale paced the floor of the training room for a good 20 minutes. His parabatai, Matthew Fairchild was nowhere to be seen. It was now 10:30. Matthew should have been here half an hour ago. James collected daggers off the wall and threw them, working out his aggression at Matthew’s lateness. He lacerated a training dummy and then practised falling from the beams in the ceiling but it was no good. Matthew fell far more gracefully and was a much better sword fighting partner. No dummy could ever compare. Suddenly, he felt a twang of pain connected to his parabatai rune. Something was wrong. Really wrong.</p><p> James grabbed his coat and rushed out with the intentions of finding Matthew at the Fairchild Manor. The day was cold and bitter. James pulled his coat tighter around him. Gear was only so insulated. Black clouds rolled in from the east and gentle rain tickled James’s face as he hurried across the cobbled courtyard. Nodding to the driver he hopped into the rickety carriage and was away down the street in seconds. When James looked out of the grimy window he saw merry couples strolling along, stopping to look at window displays or to kiss on a park bench. The women wore beautiful petticoats, hair piled on their heads. The men had only eyes for their wives. James fumbled with the silver bracelet on his wrist.</p><p>When he pulled up outside Matthew’s house, both carriages were gone meaning both Charles and Charlotte were out. He already knew Henry was with Christopher in the laboratory. It was pouring down now and James’s onyx hair was plastered to his forehead. James knocked on the door, expecting his carefree parabatai to answer. Instead, the door just swung open. Unusual. James climbed the stairs to Matthew’s bedroom. It didn’t sound right. Matthew was always in constant motion. James should have been able to hear the gentle turning of book pages or the rustle of clothes as he looked through his immense wardrobe. But it was silent. James held his trained ear to the door, trying to hear better but it was just as quiet as before. It was just too wrongly quiet. He reached for the doorknob and turned it. He opened the door to see Matthew, his eyes red-rimmed, in a loose shirt and trousers. He sat on his large window seat on the far side of the room. His bed was unslept in and the curtains half-closed. He was hunched over, a thin dagger in his hand, dripping crimson blood. Cuts ran up his forearms on both sides, sluggishly bleeding. The cream cushioning was spotted with blood.</p><p>“Welsh?” Matthew turned around, eyes clouded with hazy pain. He stared at his hands rather than James. His hands shook. The dagger fell from his grasp, slick with blood, and landed on the hardwood floor with a dull thud. His rolled shirt sleeves were pink with blood. When he finally looked up after a long moment, James could see the unshed tears pooled in his eyes.</p><p>This was possibly more disturbing than the thin cuts on Matthew’s arms. Matthew never cried. He recalled one time, when a demon had stabbed him. One singular tear had rolled down his face, out of pure, excruciating pain. But that was it. That was the only time James had seen his parabatai cry. Matthew was much like his mother, who had taught him ways to keep the tears at bay. But there was no bright light to stare at now. James rushed to Matthew‘s side. He kicked the dagger across the room and pulled out his stele. After drawing three iratzes, he finally looked at Matthew properly. How had he not seen it before? Matthew had lost weight and there were bruised purple rings under his emerald eyes. Matthew started to cry. And by cry, James meant gasping, choking sobs that accompanied the tears streaming down his cheeks. When Matthew decided to show his true human emotions instead of putting a fake carefree mask, he knew Matthew craved physical touch. He pulled Matthew into his lap and raked his fingers through Matthew's fine hair. Matthew curled into James, salty tears gathering in James’s collarbone.</p><p>Matthew sobbed years worth of tears into James’s now soaked shirt. James just held his parabatai, whispering soothing words in welsh. After what seemed like hours, Matthew looked up into James’s kind golden eyes. “Math, why are you doing this to yourself? Why didn’t you tell me?” Matthew looked down again and said in a small voice, “I’m disgusting.”<br/>
“You might need to expand because I really don’t understand why you would think that.” Tears still streaked down his face as he answered, his voice hoarse and broken. “Promise you won’t leave me? Promise me we'll always be parabatai?”<br/>
“I promise.” James didn’t push Math and gave him as much time as he needed.</p><p> “I like girls and boys,” Matthew mumbled. James didn’t think he had heard him correctly. “Come again?” James asked. This time, Matthew spoke strongly. “I like girls and boys.” James stayed silent, processing this information. Apparently, Matthew seemed to think this was his cue to leave. He tried to pull away from James’s embrace but James caught him by the waist. “James, I should leave.” James ignored this and pulled him into a fierce hug, wrapping his arms around the broken boy beneath him. “Math, it doesn’t matter to me at all. I still love you. I’m never EVER going to leave you.” This just set Matthew off again. When he was done he looked James in the eye and said “I thought the pain might make it go away, that it was just a figment of my imagination. But no matter how many times...it stayed the same.” James just hugged tighter. “You need to rest Welsh.” James picked up the blond-haired boy and carried him, despite the 3 inches Matthew had on him, to the bed in the middle of the room. Math opened his green eyes. “Jaime, the nightmares.”</p><p>Matthew had been having nightmares since about the age of 13. Countless nights James had sat by Matthew, rubbing his back in soothing ministrations, calming his parabatai as he tried to sleep. James understood what Matthew was asking, so he crawled under the covers and curled up beside his best friend.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I hoped you liked this. I really love James and Matthew's relationship. Even though it is mentioned super casually mentioned in ChoG, I feel like Matthew may be more sensitive about being bisexual than he lets on. It is 1900's and he's a Shadowhunter, where it is still taboo in the 2000s.</p><p>Happy 2021!</p><p>ZestyLemon123 xxx</p></blockquote></div></div>
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